It isn’t my place to tell you how to behave or how not to. So in lieu of a list of rules and regulations, here’s a list of your rights as my client and a corresponding list of my rights. Go forth and conduct yourself as you see fit!
|As a client, you have every right to…||And I, in turn, have every right to…|
|Send me a text message asking if I’m available in a couple of hours.||Tell you I’m not, which is the case about 96% of the time.
If I see a pattern of late-notice requests, decline to see you at all based on extensive empirical evidence that prospective clients who are impulsive are also undependable and generally undesirable clients.
|Choose not to share any personal/identifying information with me.||Decline to see you. My screening requirements, which are comparatively liberal, do require that I – or at least P411 – know who you are. I completely understand if you’re not comfortable with that and wish you great luck finding the right woman for you.|
|Show up for a date unkempt, unwashed, or with halitosis. You even have the right to show up all three of those things!||Keep enough distance between us and/or limit the ways in which we interact to avoid being an unwilling beneficiary of your funk.|
|Show up for a date wearing more than a subtle amount of cologne or aftershave.||Keep enough distance between us and/or limit the ways in which we interact to avoid being an unwilling beneficiary of what I’m sure your friends and colleagues consider an appealing scent, but that due to allergies and general scentsitivity I’m unlikely to want to ingest.|
|Attempt to stay past the end time of our scheduled date.||Make you exceedingly uncomfortable and require that you leave anyway, making every effort of course not to lodge any part of my stiletto in any part of your body on your way out the door, though accidents do happen.
Decline to see you again.
|Bring me gifts.||Be a minimalist who eschews material things to the extent that my lifestyle and career allow.
Appreciate the thought very much and hope that you’ll read this page before our next date.
|Tip me.||Be exceedingly grateful – though I would never expect a gratuity – and think fondly of you as I deposit it into my IRA.|
|Call me.||Exercise my strong preference for written media, in particular email, for communicating with prospective and current clients. This always means not answering calls and most often means not returning them.|
|Text me.||Inform you politely that I arrange dates via email and provide you with an address to contact me at so that we can do just that.|
|Text or email me without introducing yourself.
Text or email me with a single sentence.
|Ignore your message or reply with an invitation to introduce yourself, an invitation that may or may not bear an undertone of irritation or befuddlement at needing to instruct an adult human on how to interact with strangers.
Charge you more than those who have the courtesy to send me a proper introduction. Call it an inconvenience fee.
|Ask me if I’m a member of law enforcement.||Notify you that, unless you’re trying to sell me meth (I’m not interested, thank you!), that’s irrelevant. And maybe have a little fun at your expense for failing to understand the difference between television and the real world. Google it.|
|Prefer to read reviews of me or ask me where to find reviews of me.||Ask that my clients, who have been acquiescent heretofore (thank you), not review me.
Inform you that I don’t have reviews and that if you need to read someone’s degrading, highly embellished and sometimes outright untrue account of meeting me, I am not the companion for you.
|Arrive late for our date.||Adhere to the end time we agreed upon for our date.
NOTE: If I’m the one to arrive late, which is virtually unheard of, I’ll gladly stay past our scheduled end time to ensure that you and I get to spend exactly the amount of time together that we had planned.
|Cancel our date.||Be disappointed.
Be understanding if you cancelled with enough notice for me to make other plans and/or cancel any arrangements I had made for us.
Be irked and decline to see you thereafter if your explanation was lacking, you gave me little or no notice, or I smell malarkey.
|Call me ‘sweetie,’ ‘babe,’ ‘honey,’ ‘sugar,’ ‘buttercup,’ or a ‘girl.’||Politely but in no uncertain terms inform you that my name is Taylor and that I’m a woman and you may feel free to refer to me as Taylor or as a woman or both.
Dock you 5 cool points for the error.
|Tell me what you’re going to pay me for X service or X number of hours of my time.||Tell you that in fact you don’t tell me what my rates are; I tell you what my rates are. And then decline to see you. Because ew. Really.|
|Be respectful, considerate, and kind.||Think, “Man, this person kicks some serious ass. I think I’d like to see more of him/her.”|